Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Coffee Confessions #1

When I originally started this blog back in 2009, I intended for it to be my online diary. However, I quickly surmised that I am far too fucked up for the internet and instead focussed on nonsensical 'fashion' garbage. However, having survived 2016 - more commonly known as the year when the world went to shit - I feel as though I could be perceived as quite normal. Famous last words. 

Thus, I shall commence with the 'Coffee Confessions', where I "realise stuff", as dear old Kylie Jenner would say and share that "stuff" with you. For instance, I actually hate coffee, but my lethargic brain settled with the nice alliteration it provided for 'Coffee Confessions'. Chai Latte Confessions didn't have the same ring to it. 

Now that you understand the way in which this works, behold these knockout confessions.

1. Flowers are more needy than I am. 
One minute they are glowing and growing, the next? Dead. No matter how much attention they, food and sunlight they receive, they wither up and call it quits. To add insult to the injury, they are expensive. (Edit: Reading this back, I think that maybe flowers are just an analogy for me and my life)

2. Blind people are the best kind of people.
This realization hit me this morning as I stepped onto the tube in my offensively bright trousers on one of London's grayest days. I waded through a sea of black coats and Stan Smith trainers on the platform and all I could see were disapproving eyes. It were as if I had turned up to a funeral, quite literally. When the tube stopped at Angel, my (metaphorical) angel came on and sat next to me. He was a blind man, and clearly had no concern for my trousers and instead half sat on me. Never have I been more grateful to be half sat on by a man on the London Underground.

3. Taking pictures of your food like a *real blogger* ain't all that hard.
I am, and up until this point, always have been a eat-it-the-minute-the-waitress-puts-it-on-the-table, kinda girl. I have absolutely no shame in admitting that I practically inhale my food. So, for years I have questioned how bloggers can take that artful Instagram photograph of their food from a ridiculous angle, without even so much as a crumb missing from their manicured french toast. However, I have been inducted into the secret ways of the blogger (it's a bit like the magic circle, you never share the trade secrets) and now I fancy myself as some sort of Annie Leibovitz/Steven Speilberg type as I arrange my smashed avocado on toast in a tactile manner. By the time it gets to eating, I'm exhausted. It's worth it for the Insta, though, right?

4. The Vampire Diaries is pure trash and I love it.
Sue me! Either for saying it's trash, or because I love it. The acting is questionable, the storylines are carnage and the whole thing is a hot mess. Just like a vampire to blood, I find myself binging on episode after episode. So addicted am I that I predict the cause of death on my certificate may be: Death by Netflix. 

5. Hardcore feminists scare me.
I am a feminist. I think everybody in this world should be a feminist. In the famous words of Hillary Clinton (or her speech writer, credit where credit is due): "Women's rights are human rights". Cheers to that! Women should get paid the same as men. Women should NOT always be associated with the kitchen. Women should be playing the lead in Hollywood films. Women should just be treated equally to men. Period. What REALLY throws me off, however, are those women that are so wildly feminist that they think women should take over the planet and that all men should be destroyed. I mean, I do sympathized with them sometimes, but get real! Haven't we learned our lesson from groups of people that want to rid the world of other communities? Cut it out, you're giving feminists a bad name!

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